


Pond Scum

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Black Romance, Bulges and Nooks, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Drone Season, Dubious Consent, Eridan POV, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, General Eridan, Meowrails, Moirails With Pails, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Red Romance, Ruffiannihilator Equius, Soldier Nepeta, Threesome - F/M/M, and fucking your quadrants, as in the plot device not the challenge, at first they're like wtf, eventually, flushed eriequ, fucking with quadrants, pitch erinep, they're adults now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:15:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5857291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan just got his job as General and he's busier than ever, and the species known as humans that they're currently battling is more stubborn than usual about being defeated. This results in him realizing with horror one evening that he still hasn't filled his pails, and the only way to make drone season on time is to pail with them both at the same time. There's only one issue. </p><p>His kismesis and matesprit are each other's moirail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pond Scum

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you sort of feel like pond scum. 

You finally got that promotion to capital-G-General that you've always known in your pump biscuit that you were hatched for. You're fuckin' nailin' it, a' course. But to be as incredible as you know you have to be, you kind a' have to focus on only your job and practically nothin' else, at least at the beginning until you get the hang a' it. Until you _finally_ manage to stomp this freakin' species that you're invadin' into the ground. It's provin' to be unusually stubborn about defeat. Fuckin' "humans". Anyways, what you're gettin' at is, you've been kind of swamped lately. And before you know it, you're blankly staring at your screen, panic mounting. 30+ messages at least from your matesprit, each one with less a' his usual, proper highblood poise than the last as he continues not to get any response. Walls and walls of green from your kismesis, cussing you out in a way that lets you know that she's _really_ scared and angry. 

Drone season is _today_. 

You hurriedly message them the only available hour you know there's in your schedule today. You won't die if you skip dinner one night. You _will_ die if a Imperial Drone comes knockin' on your door and you don't have two full pails, however. Cod, what a stupid way that'd be to die, with two full quadrants but no buckets, just cause' you've been too consumed with paperwork an' war an' command to look up at the freakin' _calendar_. Or to spend time with your quadrantmates. Empress, has it really been almost a whole perigree since you really spent any time with either 'a them?  _Fuck_. You are pond scum. 

Your self-hatred/pity session is cut short when you're caught up in a flurry of essential work, and you soon forget even about the serious threat to your life. You swear, you'll make the humans _pay_ for this.

You stumble back into your rightfully luxurious hive, when Nep lunges at you and tries to tear your throat out with her fangs the second you close your door. Or maybe it's a hug an' a hicky, it's hard ta' tell with her. 

"Fuckin'-- lowblood barbarian--!"

"You basturd--!" 

"Did you just call me a bastard an' a turd at the same time, what are you, three, that's not even a meowbeast pun--"

Then someone else clears their throat, and Nep stops trying to murder/fuck you long enough for you to look up, and hey, there's the matesprit you've been ignorin' for like a perigree in favor of your job and almost got killed with your fuckin' _ditziness_. 

"Eq," you say, waverin' between apologizing and acting like there wasn't a close call at all, because this is humiliatin', because you do _important work_ cod damn it, really, an' you're a _violet blood_ , an'-- Nep pinches you harshly in your side and you tip onto the side of admitting you're an asshole. "I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to ignore you." You turn to Nep. "... You too," you admit, much more reluctantly. You want to annoy her by performing some kinda' dastardly scheme or saying just the wrong thing at the wrong time on purpose, not by actually, accidentally ignoring her. She deserves better hate than that. Not that you're going to say that, holy shit no. 

"I should've expected that kind of thing furrom you," Nep says huffily, somehow managing to look down on you even though you're much taller than her. You take it for the forgiveness that it is, but also as the insult it is. You pull at her hair a bit. She squawks. The two of you have the hatemance a' the ages. 

"It is completely understandable," Eq says, and it's nice to see him back to his haughty blueblood thing after reading those panicky messages. "When should I come see you? In an hour, perhaps?" 

"Uh, no, now. Sorry Eq, I promise this'll change soon once we're done with this bitch of a species and move onto somethin' a bit easier, but for now my schedule's chock full. We're gonna' have to do it now."

"Typical," Nep hisses. "You make me come here, and then turn me paway to deal with later." She's mad, but she could be madder. She never get's that upset about you treating your matesprit better than her, considerin' that he's her moirail. Oh. Oh, no. You just realized another way that you're complete pond scum. 

"Uh... no. My schedule really is. Full. With shit that I _have_ to do. People will die if I don't. Like, a lot of people. The Empress will have my head if I let us lose those kinds of resources for a reason she might not agree with. Literally, my head."

They both stare at you blankly for a while. Shit, your answer really is that far away from their heads. Of course it is, they're the palest moirails you've ever met, it's both adorable and disgusting. 

"I know the two of you aren't as stupid as me, so you've done your other concupiscent partners already, pails for the drone ready to go in your sylladexes. It's just me left. And. If no one here's gonna' die, then we need to do this now. All three of us. At the same time."

You would've thought that it'd be Eq who'd get over the shock of what you just said first, considering that his mind is pretty much almost always down in the gutter. But it's Nep who rears back from you and _hisses_ at you, seriously, like she actually thinks that she's a meowbeast. 

You get ready for a strife, but then Eq's right next to the two of you, holy shit why do you keep forgetting he's fast as well as strong, and he's papping her, so carefully, like he's stroking a live flutterbeast's fragile wings, barely touching. She melts into it anyways. You look away. 

He's shooshing her, calming her, and then she's helping him, because of course he also needs help. As if a cross-concupiscent-quadrant threesome wasn't scandalous enough, two of said quadrants are in a concilatory quadrant with each other. There are some rare fuckers who are into kinky shit like that, but Nep and Eq have never shown any interest for that. You're basically forcing two moirails to have a threesome together on pain of culling. You... you didn't mean to. It's not on purpose. 

Eridan Ampora: pond scum. Seriously. 

"Eridan," Nep says, and her voice is for one of those rare times completely serious, and cod she sounds so angry with you. You know that now's a good time for it, but it's still inappropriate for you to feel so turned on. "Go fetch the pails. Me and Equius will be waiting fur you on your concupiscent pawlatfurm." 

"That last one was a real stretch," you say, hoping that you insulting her might somehow break up the tension or... somethin'. She just silently glares at you until you go. You take your time, aware that she probably sent on this errand so that she and Equius could have some time alone to talk about this. You're not afraid of them breaking up because of this, they've got a ridiculously strong (Eq likes to call it STRONG) relationship. But this ain't exactly a _good_ thing for 'em. You don't linger too long though, because you really are pressed for time. 

You walk in and see your kismesis and matesprit cuddling naked on your concupiscent platform. Holy shit, inappropriate unsheathed bulge, here we go. 

You start fumbling to get your clothes off, but honestly you're happy not to have any unwanted help for once. Nep thinks it's funny to rip your clothes to shreds ("You can just buy some new ones, can't you, rich boy?" "That's not the point, Nep, THIS WAS TROLL ARMANI!"), and Equius ends up ruining your clothes just as bad, even if it is by accident. It may be hot at the time, but you always end up throwing a mini tantrum later. 

You walk awkwardly over to the platform, setting the pails right next to it. Right. You've done this before tons of time. (Except not quite like this.) You can do this. 

They shuffle around as you lie down and, oh, now you're suddenly in the middle, a small, lithe, feisty hunter on your right, a ripped, obedient blueblood on your left. Fuuuck. You shouldn't be this turned on, really. This is bad. 

Nep starts _gnawing_ on your shoulder, claws raking down your chest, still more mad at you than usual. Eq reaches over and gives her another one of his feather light paps, and she lightens up a bit until she's more nibbling than outright gnawing, claws not breaking skin. Wow, this is actually kind of convenient. Is this what it's like for those guys who always screw their pitch mate with their ashen third grubsitting? Maybe you should check that porn out after all, this is surprisingly hot. 

You stroke Eq's silky hair, which you know that he likes, and he starts working on his nook, trying to get himself riled up quick. You don't have time for a whole lot of foreplay here. It's good to see that he gets that. 

Nep and Eq need more time than you to get hot and bothered (pond scum), and you spend the entire time snapping at Nep and murmuring endearments at Eq, stroking them, squeezing, tryin' ta' help and make this as good as it can be, as quick as it can be. You'd thought this might be worse for the fact that you're doing this with Nep an' Eq at the same time, but besides the fact that they make a pretty picture together, they really complement each other. Even on the concupiscent platform. Whenever Nep gets too rough Eq comes and calls her out on it and calms her down before you have to retaliate to make her stop, which probably would have just escalated shit anyways. And when there's moments when Eq would normally freeze up and you'd have to slowly coax him into letting go again, Nep can make him snap out of it in a sec. 

You're coming undone under the attention of both your kismesis an' your matesprit at the same time, you're going mad with arousal, and Nep's snarlin' and Eq's growlin', fuck, fuck, _fuck, fuckfuckfuck_ \--

You don't know which one a' them eases you into position, which one grabs one a' the many pails you brought, eases it underneath you, but you release and fuuuuuuuck yes. For a moment you feel amazing, drifting, but then the pressure starts mounting again. You need to come more than just once tonight, after all. 

Nep sets the pail carefully away, and you turn your focus on makin' one a' them come next, to mix it with your genetic material. You're almost halfway done. 

Eq doesn't move much in bed. He never really moves much except when he's on the job, tearing enemies apart with brutal, beautiful ease. But especially now, he's so careful and still, even if he's sweating more than ever, panting and sexy-slick, smooth hair frizzing up and tangling, shades off. His eyes are always bruised to hell and back, wound up so tight that he can barely bring himself to sleep most of the time, but he still looks so beautiful without 'em. He's wet, and at least his bulge ain't as dangerously strong as the rest of him thanks to the fact that he doesn't fuckin' spar his robots with it, thank god. You're pretty glad that you takin' his bugle ain't lethal, because cod is it good. 

You ease down, but his bulge slithers in eager as you please inside you, and you groan. But then Nep's climbing up on Eq as well, straddling him backwards so that she's facing you, sitting on his stomach, and you look at her with confusion for a moment, sight blurry from the fact that Nep tossed your glasses somewhere, the bitch, they better not be broken-- 

She gives you her vicious full-fang grin, and then she's flush up against you, perky rumble sphere to perky rumble sphere. She hugs you, although with her it's always more like grabbin' you, and then she's tilting you back, and it's really uncomfortable the way her legs spreads yours even further apart, and then-- 

You an' Eq groan together in unison as her bulge slides into your nook to join the party. Their bulges curl up around each other, and your breath stutters. You squint at your quadrantmates through your waterin' ganderbulbs, and honestly they both look more lost in pleasure than freaked out. All right. Looks like they're warming up to the idea of quadrant smearing threesomes. The kinky fuckers were inside of them all along. 

The idea of them maybe approaching you to do this _again_ overwhelms you for a moment. _Fuck yes_ , this is so amazing, the only things missing is Nep and Eq loving it as much as you do. 

You come again, and you're so blissed out that you can't find it in you to feel like a loser for coming twice before either of them have come even once. 

But as your ganderbulbs flutter open you're welcomed with the sight of Nep and Eq twisted around each other, still achingly, enviously pale, but inside of each other none the less. Looks like they'll be finishing your pails for you without your contribution. You just lie back and enjoy the show. 

As violet mixes first with dark blue and then olive green, you think to yourself that the chances of this happening again, perhaps in less rushed circumstances, just raised considerably. 

(The Imperial Drones come knocking less than a minute later.)


End file.
